Danger Zone

Hey
So I've been really busy lately and I've got some really exciting things coming up- mainly starting my own comedy night and I've also got a very important and big and special gig tomorrow with this amazing comedian and bla bla I'm excited.
About a year and a half ago I was in bed, crying, screaming and utterly useless to anyone. This lasted about three days. It was a result of being exceptionally stressed and having no way to control it. It used to happen about once every few months or so, depending on what was happening. The last one was a result of having a big piece of coursework due in, no time to do it and just not being happy with much I was doing in my life. Since then through prayer and reordering and reprioritising my life I have managed to stop this from happening. Even when i had GCSEs I didn't have a full blown break down like before.

I am a very self aware person and one thing I notice about when I am at a point when I might be stressed is that i focus a lot on individual men. It's sort of as a way of channeling my stress- I focus on something that will cause me less stress but will allow me to vent some emotion. It isn't healthy as it is mainly built on repression and sadomassochistic rejection. If the guy doesn't seem to like me then what a chance to throw myself further into obsession and completely ignore the true cause of stress!?

Mid-GCSEs I realised how unhealthy it was and so put it into something else- going to Edinburgh and all things comedy! It was working really well until now. Now I realise that comedy has become the root of the real stress and the only realise I've noticed is because I have flipped back into obsessing about a couple of guys I like in order to distract me from comedy related stress sources.

I love comedy and what an honour to have so much comedy happening in my life that it can remotely cause me stress! But unfortunately, it appears the underlying, suppressed stress is making its way to the foreground despite efforts of the subconscious to deplace it.

I'm getting the warning signs of a breakdown that I haven't had since May 2008. I've been wanting to cry for no reason- my initial reaction is to blame it on the monthly cycle but it's not something that usually happens at all, but this has been pretty severe. I've been a bit 'ill'. And the one that has really made me realise that I might be in danger is that I've been getting seriously paranoid. People that are my friends are laughing about me when I leave. They're all making fun of me, they all think I'm useless and are all out to get me. They're going to spread lies about me. They're going to discuss my failures with eachother. They all hate me and want to get rid of me.

Paranoia is one of those things I used to struggle with so much and I'd pretty much forgotten that I even used to deal with it, but it's all coming rushing back and I'm not feeling safe in my own stability.